The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie