[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
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You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
For anyone who needs this today
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.