[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
You Might Also Like
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that