I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
concern
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Me sliding into hell like
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!