Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
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government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.