Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
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Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Remember folks 😂
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.