The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
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“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
multitasking lunch
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus