Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
You Might Also Like
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
termite twitter scares me
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
#milo
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.