i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.