Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
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SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
🤣
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined