[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
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Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.