All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
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Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
doing some research
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.