“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.