Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything