Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
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[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing