Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?