ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)