馃幎 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 馃幎
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My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
United Steaks of America
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I don鈥檛 have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You鈥檙e welcome.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I鈥檓 just so proud of you.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Doesn鈥檛 everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they鈥檙e proficient at Excel?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don鈥檛 underst鈥攊t鈥檚 2:15, you can鈥檛 have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I鈥檓 threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*