*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.