Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
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Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
hackers play passwordle
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.