General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
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Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
tinder is all about the long game
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Brands during Pride
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.