At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
the short answer to this question
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.