Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
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Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
when someone rings the doorbell
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Kidney stones? Hard pass
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
FINE, I WON’T.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Finally!
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.