If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.