My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
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If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March