Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son