Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.