9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
You Might Also Like
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
twitter is a journey
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
✌️
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?