Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
You Might Also Like
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”