I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Duolingo getting serious.
それは草
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.