stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Natural selection at its finest
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.