If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
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The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Good advice.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO