Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.