If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.