(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
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SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.