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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.