Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
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*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Why is no one talking about this?!
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER