This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
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Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I can’t wait!
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?