I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
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I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.