Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
You Might Also Like
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise