Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
You Might Also Like
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
The news
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.