Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
when you are just born a rebel
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft