LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*