Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
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They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.