It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
those birds must be on payroll
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face