Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
(Gaming support cat.)
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.