My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
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Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Good boy 😂😂
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Can’t stop laughing
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media