If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
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Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
dictator is short for richard potato
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
CRYING
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!