My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
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Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI