I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
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Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg